Hello World!
I am a recovering sugar addict. Sigh. It took me several years to make my way to the place of realization and then some more time to begin to admit this…to myself. When I gained just enough courage to begin sharing it with others, almost always, people laughed or dismissed it. Maybe it just doesn’t seem as heavy a weight as other addictions. I don’t know; I felt very alone. For anyone with an addiction, I understand. I feel the weight with you. I’m here…on that same journey of denying, ignoring, realizing, getting angry, blaming (myself and others), crying, admitting, cursing, becoming depressed and cycling through all those and much more.
My parents rarely bought junk food (if ever!), but anytime it was offered at social gatherings, we ate it and/or brought some home. I know I saw the food pyramid at various points throughout childhood, but the negative file that I stored away is this: sugar is a safe place…a comfort…something I didn’t hear anyone condemn (and that is saying a lot because in my family, private school and childhood religious circles there was quite a lot condemned). I was a chunky girl with glasses as big as my face! My parents would comment on how I was growing sideways instead of vertically and still, they brought sweets home for me. “Once in a while” came too often and I always welcomed what tasted good.
I don’t recall the face or name of the nutritionist, but I remember being taken to one when I was ten. After that visit, milk was forbidden. The nutritionist said I was a milk-aholic. I don’t know how long it was banned, but to this day, milk is a favorite drink of mine -vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, mango, I’ll take it all! Yes, mango milk is real and delicious, but in my unbiased opinion, any form of milk is! When we came back to our apartment that day, in addition to life without milk, my parents said that I needed to run up and down the stairs everyday. A sad time for this ten year old. For days to come, I remember sitting on the stairs outside our apartment and as soon as I heard footsteps or the sound of the door opening, I’d race up the stairs. A few months later, I was given a bicycle (more enjoyable than stairs), but I was tasked with watching my sister…this meant, riding my bike everyday. She could run faster than I could pedal!
Since early adulthood, my meals have been sugar-based (slice of cake, pumpkin bread, cinnamon rolls -yes, LAWD!) and a tall glass of milk, please. I created a habit of beginning my day working on my “must-do” list and wouldn’t realize that I hadn’t eaten all day till early evening. Typically, I’d have a soda and a candy bar (Hersheys, Nestle, Lindt or Cadburys!). On occasion, I’d have an apple, cheeseburger and fries from the closest fast food place.
When I was in middle school, a girl (at a youth meeting) mentioned that she had substituted her daily snickers bar for an apple. That did not sound appealing to me and I don’t remember anything else she shared. Through the years, every time I heard a story, read an article or saw a show about choosing healthy food, I’d tell myself that would be my story. I was going to choose health, I was going to win this war with sugar and then a day or two later, I’d feel overwhelmed and eat sugar again. In the early 2000s, I saw an article showing Oprah through the years and how she grew healthier each decade. I taped that article on my closet wall and told my husband, I’m going to get better with age! And now here I am, in my 40s, starting to choose health! Struggling but choosing it more than not.
All the wellness knowledge in the world did not (and does not) equal transformation or a commitment to healthy food choices. I have been stuffing my heart/feelings/emotions and attempting to silence my voice (with sugar) since I reached double digits. Interesting this whole mind-body-soul connection. A few years ago, I began fully facing my heart, unearthing feelings and emotions that have been buried so deep and for so long. I have always been an avid reader, but I began engaging in heart-work, not just reading about it or listening to others about it. I began attending therapy (licensed professional counseling is worth it!), worked my way through emotional boot camps, welcomed honest feedback, prayed, journaled and meditated on verses and songs that I had learned as a child. I have not “arrived” and am of the personal belief that none of us “arrive” this side of heaven. I feel gently nudged (for quite some time now), so I decided to step out of the shadows. I know that I’m not alone and my heart for you, dear one, is that you would truly know that as well.
I am overweight (based on the number with which I’m most comfortable, not a chart or anything else). I am terribly undernourished and this year, more determined than ever…to say yes to valuing my health and caring for my body…to say no to processed sugar, more consistently…to fully enjoy this moment on the path and embrace the process. Diabetes, depression, debt, denial, diets, difficult relationships, death and whatever else comes my way, I AM secure in The Divine…and so are you!
Common Day Hero: All of us fight inner demons. ALL of us. In April 2017, I sought out and worked diligently through an emotional boot camp. A team of kind hearts helped rescue and revive me. It is because of their support, I began to live an abundant and full life in every way. I am deeply saddened that on 2/2/2020, one of those kind hearts chose to end his time on earth. I dedicate this post to you, Martin (always Tall Vanilla to me).