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It is well…I grew up hearing this statement, singing all the songs, saying the verses, but until a few years ago, the depth and truth of the meaning in this statement eluded me. Now, with the Covid-19/corona craziness, this statement keeps coming back to mind.

As a child, I thought “it is well” meant we were problem-free, had no worries or concerns and everything would go as we wished or prayed. I soon learned that we (as a family, people group and society) were weighed down with troubles and at times, pressured on all sides. The community I was raised in (maybe similar to yours) ignored issues and tried to quickly squash anything different or difficult. My questions were often returned with questions that were typically condemning or shaming…intended to silence. In my twenties, I began a journey of studying more as well as talking with and learning from people of varied backgrounds. It is well began taking on a personal meaning.

It is well…maybe mentally, we cain’t see what’s up or down…maybe physically, we takin’ meds for depression and diabetes, maybe emotionally, we been cryin’ and screamin’ for weeks now…maybe in marriage, the last meaningful conversation was…do we even know when? …maybe with family it’s lookin’ like LAWD only knows coz at times, we’ve treated family like shit and we’ve also been treated like shit – ooh they smell, flush quickly and use extra wipes…maybe in friendships, we ain’t takin’ time to truly hear each other, especially when it’s inconvenient, awkward or we disagree…maybe at work, well, we ain’t even got time to get into that level of toxic right now, but it. is. well.

It is well isn’t that I have everything (or any.thing) together. It is well doesn’t translate to it’s all going my way. It is well doesn’t suggest that I put a mask on, doesn’t support fake it till I make it, doesn’t say I put my “game face” on…it is well simply is, because my comfort is not in knowing what will happen (especially since corona livin’ among us now). It is well is not money in the bank, sickness removed, a vehicle, a job promised, a promotion granted, a “happy” marriage, a baby (or babies) and not everything going “as planned”. It is well because I have welcomed a Peace that surpasses understanding, Peace that walks me through the pain as I process all that’s come my way. With corona here, I don’t know what’s in store for us as a town, state, nation and world, so I will take the necessary precautions, but I have chosen Peace and all is well with my soul. It is well is a deep knowing in my core and regardless of what occurs externally…it is well with my soul. It is well within me. I am well and at Peace. 

Each of us are unique, so what best speaks to our hearts…what helps to remind us that we can choose to be well in our soul may vary. A few of the things that help me to remember and come back to embracing it.is.well are: being still, journaling, meditating (on verses and affirmations), singing, taking full/deep/focused breaths, sitting with/holding/slowly sipping a cup of hot tea, praying, cradling (and singing to) my spoiled Manx (cat).

Common Day Hero: Taking in a teen, who was from a different culture but in need of a home, losing a business after decades of investing so much of yourself, losing savings and retirement, caring for an ailing parent, grieving the loss of said parent, a house fire (where almost everything was lost), caring for a spouse after a terrible accident, cancer, working with  little (but always generous) and experiencing a number of other difficulties/losses…still, you modeled and continue to model it is well with my soul. You’re real in sharing the painful and the Peace through the pain. I dedicate this post to you, Jada, my vanilla mom. Your grandkids and son-in-law joined me in voting for you, without knowing that I’d voted for you! That speaks volumes…shows just how much you model it.is.well!

I don’t know how many of us feel this, but there are times that I don’t know if the words I’m typing are most accurately relaying what I’m feeling. This is one of those times (now that it’s out there, do I need to make an announcement every time I feel this way?!). Here goes!

Since 2015, my family began gathering for circle time in our own home. Circle time is our spiritual gathering -sometimes we sit around our dining table which is square! Our heart behind “circle time” is that we are all equal before the Divine. As a family, we made a decision to give ourselves and our kids a space to simply be…a space to breathe…stretch…grow. We play songs that encourage and uplift our hearts; songs that have us dancing, swaying, palms  up or hands raised as well as songs that move us to tears…of gratitude, joy and sadness. Songs that summon us to bring our best daily, to surrender to the Divine plan unfolding, to extend grace. We share our hearts with each other – the challenging and disappointing as well as the exciting. We ask the difficult questions. We pray for and with each other. We listen to inspirational and/or spiritually challenging messages together. We take deep breaths together. At times, other individuals and/or families join us. Regardless, our family has seen (and continues to see) how grounding and important this time is, so we choose to prioritize the spiritual and commit to a weekly circle time.

My husband and I grew up in very strong, legalistic, religious circles. I believe the initial intent of the groups may have been good, but somewhere along the road, it became more important to look, think and behave a certain way…a way that required us to conform, a way that was determined by our elders, a way that was enforced with anxiety, fear, control, manipulation and other negative measures, but always labeled “speaking the truth in love”. I was raised to perform for the adults around me although the words that were used had me (and other children) believing it was “all for God”.

As I got older, what I had witnessed growing up became the way I approached spirituality. I continued to perform in a way that I believed was expected of me. In any situation, I filled the air – with a prayer, a Proverb (wise saying), words of comfort…or correction, a solution of some sort. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I was carrying a very heavy weight…a pressure to “fix” or guide or appear spiritually sound. I genuinely cared for others, but I didn’t take the time to be still and truly listen to what was on my heart. My personal belief is that the work of the Divine begins in our hearts; some of us have made it all about the brain (intellect/logic). The work from head to heart is quite a journey, but well worth it. I began to really hear the whispers of the Divine and value speaking only when led.

Our family walked through a process to redefine what a weekly spiritual gathering would look like for us. We didn’t feed the need to look traditional or be limited to what we saw around us or meet the approval of others. We began fully exploring, facing truth and giving ourselves space to breathe…stretch…grow. I believe that a healthy spiritual community will be inviting, loving, welcoming of all the questions (including the difficult ones), challenging and modeling a heart of service.

Common Day Hero: I dedicate this post to my dear Mitzi. Childhood friend. Prayer warrior. Patient with all my questions – political, religious, societal -and truthful with all her answers.

I grew up with “either-or” and for most of my life didn’t know any other way…then my dad relocated from earth and every.thing unraveled. I began learning to live with “both-and”.

Heartache and hope can coexist. Depression and delight can coexist.
Guilt and gratitude can coexist. Lament and laughter can coexist. Sugar and spice can coexist. Fear and faith can coexist. Trust and terror can coexist.

I miss my dad more than I can express and some days, so badly wish he was here coexists with I am happy he is whole and free now.

Suffering inexplicable physical pain seems my daily fate coexists with I believe in the miraculous and healing power of The Divine.

Our family has had a shitty day/month/year coexists with the comfort of knowing that The Sovereign One has us.

I have been paralyzed by fear at the thought of tragedy touching the lives of my children coexists with I am moving forward (in and by faith) to open my heart and fully enjoy motherhood.

The time has come for my mother to no longer be the  primary caretaker of my sister (who has autism) coexists with I haven’t seen anyone keep my sister as physically clean as my mother kept her…sigh.

This year has been hell in my marriage coexists with I believe heaven is still for and with me through all of this.

A male cat can coexist with a female dog – yes, we are that family…apologies neighbors. We are a unique blend of breeds and personalities co-existing amicably despite the opinions and perceptions of others!

In recent years, I began embracing “both-and”…a space where the seemingly opposite and sometimes contradictory coexists in a way that our minds may never understand but our hearts see/know…or we may never be able to reconcile; it simply is.

Common Day Hero: I couldn’t begin to understand the depth of your love for your husband and family when I was a kid. I couldn’t reconcile your voice (like thunder when upset, but many other times, comforting and sweet). I wasn’t able to see you when you transitioned into the next life and all these years later, it hurts more. Only years after I was married, did I begin to see how fierce, loyal, brave and kind you were. I see you in me and I am grateful for the imprint of your life on mine. I dedicate this post to you, my Ammachi (Grandma), Janamma, mother of my dad.

A seed falls into the ground.

Dirt. SO much dirt is placed on top of the seed. It is crushing.

The seed feels like it’s dying. Time passes. SO much time.

Then comes the water. SO much water…falling from the sky; just lightly tapping the ground at first, but soon it is so loud the seed feels afraid. Thunder shakes the seed to its core. What is happening out there? It’s all darkness in here and everything seems SO loud and scary and…far away.

The seed opens up. The casing is stripped away. A seedling is born! Pushing past the mounds of dirt, the seedling (now a new plant) emerges. What was necessary to protect and preserve life can no longer be where the seed remains. The seedling must come out of the earth and into the open…into the light of the Sun.

The young new plant feels the scorching heat of the sun, the heavy rains mid-spring, the forceful and back-breaking winds of the fall, the shiver-to-your-bones-cold of winter. Now and then the young plant wishes for just a little more dirt…to cover up some, to feel warm and clothed and “safe” again, but then the plant remembers the darkness…the plant has pushed past what it once thought was too big, too scary, too much weight. The plant has gained strength through struggle and now anchored itself in what used to contain it!

The plant continues to grow…taller, stronger, deeper and as the days pass, the plant evolves into a tree. Seasons change, the tree remains.

The tree reminds itself that out here -in the open, under the vast sky that yields sun, rain, wind and snow, it will continue to grow and stand tall. What the tree alone knows is how deep its roots go…all the way down where the darkness had it believing light would never come again, on the side of that cool river that brings life and into some rich, deep, love-filled soil. Many leaves may have fallen or been plucked off this tree, a few pieces of ribbon still hanging from the places people tied them on it, its side may be carved into or cut, but it is rooted so deep that it provides shade (rest), a home (safe place) for many little creatures and humans and some days, firewood (warmth) for weary travelers.

I AM that seed that became a seedling then a plant and now the full, robust, shade-giving, confidently swaying tree. I’ll always have some knots that need work, scars that make for good stories and some who don’t like the kind of tree I am, but I’m finally good with it. I’m at peace with the me I was created to be because what flows far beneath the surface are my roots…roots that run so deep and wide. My true identity is that I am rooted, grounded and forever secure in The Divine…my identity isn’t tied to anything external -it’s in the roots! Wherever you are on the journey – cursing at the heat of the sun, swaying in the wind, dancing in the rain or keeping your head down (and your heart hidden away) because the winter has taken too many leaves and branches or too much has been carved or cut – it is alright. I have embraced this truth from childhood, I will be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river and will not fear when heat comes, but its leaf will be green and will not be anxious in the year of drought or stop yielding fruit. Book of Jeremiah, chapter 17, verse 8 (The Bible). I’ve also heard this saying, but don’t know the source (thank you, unknown) “Be like a tree – stay grounded, connect with your roots, bend before you break and keep growing.”

Take comfort, dear heart, the process is a process for us all. The length or type of process may vary, but we all face it. Through every storm, season and stage, we gain strength and our roots grow deeper and wider. And come what may, we’ll keep staying rooted and secure in love.

Common Day Hero: This week marked my father’s fifth birthday in heaven. While he was on earth, I was quick to point out his negatives. The year he relocated, I began wishing I’d praised him more. I wrote out a list of all the good and cried so much that I couldn’t see his face and share it in person. I dedicate this post to the man who loved so deeply, but wasn’t the best at expressing it and because of that, was misunderstood quite a bit…the man whose good qualities continue to live on through me (and many others). I love and miss you SO much, Dad.

You may have heard the saying, it takes a village to raise a child. My personal experience is that “it takes a village” applies to much more than raising children.

When my friend Anissa saw my struggle with sugar, she wrote out a detox plan (that she found online) and committed to walk through the process with me. She sent podcasts, shared and asked for progress “reports”. A let’s detox together friend. It takes a village.

When my friend Dieula heard that I was contemplating a blog and Vlog, she surprised me by saying, “I’ve been waiting on you.” I had no idea she believed in my voice! She showed me how to create a YouTube channel. I’m talkin’ every little detail of setting up an account and creating a podcast (no, I haven’t completed setting up my account and I haven’t made a video yet! Imma get there!). Get the job done friend. It takes a village.

When I decided, at 38, that I wanted to go back to college and complete a Bachelors in Sociology, multiple friends supported me with prayers, encouraging words, snacks and at times, baby-sitting services! My husband stepped in to help in any way I needed and yes, he also asked, “why didn’t you choose a field that would bring us more money?” But then he paid for my degree (Hallelujah! Thank you LORDT!). He my ride or die (yah Ma, I’m aware that’s grammatically incorrect…this blog gonna be full of those!). It takes a village.

When my friend Guyatri heard that my father had relocated from earth, she was at my door, hugging and promising homemade wonton soup (yes, she later delivered a stock pot of deliciousness!). She has shown up countless times in my life…to simply be with me and my family, in joy or pain. A here for it all friend. It takes a village.

When my friends Jin and Emily heard that I wanted a healthier lifestyle, they began sharing videos, prayers, helpful food and exercise tips. Jin called me EVERY day for a month! Emily called or texted once a week. Physical and mental health-check friends. It takes a village.

When my friend Janice heard that we were moving, she brought boxes and helped us pack. At the new house, she helped with design ideas, hung photos and paintings and made several trips to the store with us. We’ve been friends for more than twenty years, so not enough space here for all the stories! A forever friend. It takes a village.

When my friend Susie and I get together, she will always ask how I’m really doing. I am the unofficial “counselor” to many around me, but she sees ME. She hears me. She makes it a point to check-in on my heart. She celebrates me and every birthday she has been extremely kind (read: over-the-top!) to me. A highs and lows friend. It takes a village.

When my friend Toya heard my heart for hosting spiritual retreats for women, she jumped in (probably before really understanding just how much was involved!) and has continued to be a make ideas come to life friend. It takes a village.

When my friend Diane hears that I’m singing or speaking, she makes the drive to see me. Over the past twenty-one years, this has been such an encouragement to me. She has typically always brought her mom who is equally supportive and always has a kind word for me. My little support team. It takes a village.

I’ve heard it said many times that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I grew up hearing “We have this treasure in earthen vessels” 2 Corinthians chapter 4, verse 7 (The Bible). Oprah says, “You have no life without a spiritual life.” I believe it; I have witnessed miracles because of many prayers – my own and those around me. My mom, Kamala and my vanilla mom, Jada (see the story here!) are pray till it rains people. It takes a village.

I believe we would all benefit from a no BS friend, a pray till it rains person, a highs and lows friend, a ride or die, a health-check friend (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical), an all-weather friend, a let’s detox together friend, a forever friend, a support team, a get the job done friend and…a plethora of other friends in our circles, tribes…village!

We were created to be a part of a village. To belong. To feel. To be seen…heard…affirmed. Through the years, I have been a part of damaging/destructive and at times, well-intentioned-but still harmful villages, which led to isolating myself. At some point, I missed having a village, so I opened my heart and began creating my own. Each of us has unique gifts to bring to the table, so we have a seat at the table, partake with what’s on and around the table and then take our experiences from the table into our world.

It takes a Village!

Common Day Hero: To my friends, not enough space to list each of you here, but this February, the love month, my heart is full because of your love, your presence, your prayers and good vibes. I am grateful. I am here (totally present) because of your influence on my journey. A toast to friends…a prayer and praise for this village!

We are created equal. None above us. None beneath us. Equal.

I believe each of us are created with intrinsic worth and value. I haven’t always felt love or worth for myself. I began taking steps to fully embrace this just a few years ago and my hope is that each of us begins the journey of embracing how much the Divine truly loves us.

“Love your neighbor” is a common saying that I’ve heard so often, especially in the South. On a flight, in my early twenties, when the airlines staff reminded us that in case of an in-flight emergency, we were to place our own oxygen mask on before helping others, I had an “aha” moment. I’d heard that sentence many times (been traveling since I was three months old, thank you Dad!) but until that moment, it hadn’t registered.

This was a Divine principle. St Mark, chapter 12, verse 31 (the Bible) states “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I have known this verse since childhood, but through the years, on several occasions, I heard people just say “love your neighbor”. The message I received was that I was to take care of those around me…anyone who needed my time or help. While that’s good, what I didn’t hear was the whole message. I didn’t hear anyone saying that I needed to first take care of myself. I didn’t see anyone model loving one’s self so that we can then best care for others, from a healthy space.  The truth is that I can only be as good to my neighbor as I am to myself.

Who are my neighbors? Everyone…those across the street and around our world – our fellow humans. It is imperative that I put my own oxygen mask on so that I can breathe…stabilize and then help my neighbors. Oxygen for me has looked different depending on the season of life.  Going to therapy, seeing a licensed professional counselor, journaling, practicing mindfulness, singing, dancing, walking, sitting in nature, meditating (on verses, lyrics, positive quotes), drawing, sketching and painting are some of the items on my oxygen list.

Today is Valentine’s Day! For me, it is a day to celebrate the love that bridges heaven and earth, the finite with the Infinite, love of one’s self, love of family, friends, significant others and our precious furry ones! Some of us make romantic relationships the focus of this day; I believe this keeps us from fully celebrating and loving ourselves as well as the many other relationships in our lives. This Valentine’s Day, romance or not, significant other or not, regardless of where we are on the journey, may we commit to love and care for ourselves well…give fully to ourselves the way we would to a friend…and enjoy this moment.

I AM loved by the Divine…and so are you, dear!

Common Day Hero: To all who feel pressured by family, friends, other circles (or your own mind) to quickly find a significant other or settle…Breathe. Rest. Love yourself well. I dedicate this post to you.

Hello World!

I am a recovering sugar addict. Sigh. It took me several years to make my way to the place of realization and then some more time to begin to admit this…to myself. When I gained just enough courage to begin sharing it with others, almost always, people laughed or dismissed it. Maybe it just doesn’t seem as heavy a weight as other addictions. I don’t know; I felt very alone. For anyone with an addiction, I understand. I feel the weight with you. I’m here…on that same journey of denying, ignoring, realizing, getting angry, blaming (myself and others), crying, admitting, cursing, becoming depressed and cycling through all those and much more.

My parents rarely bought junk food (if ever!), but anytime it was offered at social gatherings, we ate it and/or brought some home. I know I saw the food pyramid at various points throughout childhood, but the negative file that I stored away is this: sugar is a safe place…a comfort…something I didn’t hear anyone condemn (and that is saying a lot because in my family, private school and childhood religious circles there was quite a lot condemned). I was a chunky girl with glasses as big as my face! My parents would comment on how I was growing sideways instead of vertically and still, they brought sweets home for me. “Once in a while” came too often and I always welcomed what tasted good.

I don’t recall the face or name of the nutritionist, but I remember being taken to one when I was ten. After that visit, milk was forbidden. The nutritionist said I was a milk-aholic. I don’t know how long it was banned, but to this day, milk is a favorite drink of mine -vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, mango, I’ll take it all! Yes, mango milk is real and delicious, but in my unbiased opinion, any form of milk is! When we came back to our apartment that day, in addition to life without milk, my parents said that I needed to run up and down the stairs everyday. A sad time for this ten year old.  For days to come, I remember sitting on the stairs outside our apartment and as soon as I heard footsteps or the sound of the door opening, I’d race up the stairs. A few months later, I was given a bicycle (more enjoyable than stairs), but I was tasked with watching my sister…this meant, riding my bike everyday. She could run faster than I could pedal!

Since early adulthood, my meals have been sugar-based (slice of cake, pumpkin bread, cinnamon rolls -yes, LAWD!) and a tall glass of milk, please. I created a habit of beginning my day working on my “must-do” list and wouldn’t realize that I hadn’t eaten all day till early evening. Typically, I’d have a soda and a candy bar (Hersheys, Nestle, Lindt or Cadburys!). On occasion, I’d have an apple, cheeseburger and fries from the closest fast food place.

When I was in middle school, a girl (at a youth meeting) mentioned that she had substituted her daily snickers bar for an apple. That did not sound appealing to me and I don’t remember anything else she shared. Through the years, every time I heard a story, read an article or saw a show about choosing healthy food, I’d tell myself that would be my story. I was going to choose health, I was going to win this war with sugar and then a day or two later, I’d feel overwhelmed and eat sugar again. In the early 2000s, I saw an article showing Oprah through the years and how she grew healthier each decade. I taped that article on my closet wall and told my husband, I’m going to get better with age! And now here I am, in my 40s, starting to choose health! Struggling but choosing it more than not.

All the wellness knowledge in the world did not (and does not) equal transformation or a commitment to healthy food choices. I have been stuffing my heart/feelings/emotions and attempting to silence my voice (with sugar) since I reached double digits. Interesting this whole mind-body-soul connection. A few years ago, I began fully facing my heart, unearthing feelings and emotions that have been buried so deep and for so long. I have always been an avid reader, but I began engaging in heart-work, not just reading about it or listening to others about it. I began attending therapy (licensed professional counseling is worth it!), worked my way through emotional boot camps, welcomed honest feedback, prayed, journaled and meditated on verses and songs that I had learned as a child. I have not “arrived” and am of the personal belief that none of us “arrive” this side of heaven. I feel gently nudged (for quite some time now), so I decided to step out of the shadows. I know that I’m not alone and my heart for you, dear one, is that you would truly know that as well.

I am overweight (based on the number with which I’m most comfortable, not a chart or anything else). I am terribly undernourished and this year, more determined than ever…to say yes to valuing my health and caring for my body…to say no to processed sugar, more consistently…to fully enjoy this moment on the path and embrace the process. Diabetes, depression, debt, denial, diets, difficult relationships, death and whatever else comes my way, I AM secure in The Divine…and so are you!

Common Day Hero: All of us fight inner demons. ALL of us. In April 2017, I sought out and worked diligently through an emotional boot camp. A team of kind hearts helped rescue and revive me. It is because of their support, I began to live an abundant and full life in every way. I am deeply saddened that on 2/2/2020, one of those kind hearts chose to end his time on earth. I dedicate this post to you, Martin (always Tall Vanilla to me).