Tag: grief

August 20, 2024

okay

I am not okay
and in the absence of okay
I choose
to be still…

sometimes I close my eyes

sometimes I daydream

sometimes I stay in bed WaY past  morning

I am not okay
and in the absence of okay
I cry
I sob
I scream (alone)

I am not okay
and in the absence of okay
I smile at others
some whom I know

and some who look familiar

and some whom I don’t recognize at all

I am not okay
and in the absence of okay
I watch comedians and comediennes
I play with my furBabies, especially my youngest cat BluOreo

I listen to music
I talk with friends
I talk to Heaven

I am not okay
and in the absence of okay

I read
I scribble
I doodle
I write

I am not okay
and in the absence of okay
I simply sit…

on the floor, on the sofa with my TeenAngels, on the bed with my cats, at the dining table…

I am not okay…and in the absence of okay

I know…it is more than okay
that
I am not okay

because
always, anywhere, anytime
Heaven is okay
and
Heaven is holding me

Common Day Hero: I never, ever thought you’d leave earth before me. 31years is still too short a time to have known you, my dearest Maddy. My heart is shattering. Love and miss you so much. Hug Opa, Nonnie and all our dear ones for me and JadEvan, please.

February 24, 2022

birthdays

This week, my father celebrated his sixth birthday in the afterlife…still so surreal; sigh. Will it always seem this…strange?

I miss him so terribly much. Wish I could hug him. Wish I could see his face here, physically. Wish I could tell him ALL the things I appreciate about him.

I know he’s having the time of his life, celebrating it up with all his family and friends in Heaven. He is one of the reasons I carry so much faith and love. He modeled loving all people. He was a strong man of faith.

His methods weren’t the greatest, but he instilled so much Scripture into my life from a very young age (three!) and those verses continue to guide, comfort and empower me…daily!

He was brilliant, an acute observer, quick-tempered, grateful for all he had and readily asked for and extended forgiveness.

He was named David. According to The Holy Bible, David was a man after God’s own heart. My dad, flawed like me, was a man after God’s own heart. Wish I could’ve seen that while he was physically here; I would’ve told him.

We represent the very heart of The Divine when we depend on the Power of Heaven, when we return (as often as necessary) to our foundation – the Ultimate Light and Eternal Love which carries us and empowers us to live in grace and forgiveness.

While my dad was here on Earth, our relationship wasn’t close/ideal. I began seeing all the good qualities after he relocated. I see him in dreams and visions; I know he’s close (closer now in some ways)…I know he loves me so much, supports my dreams, can relate to me and is so proud of me…it’s bitter-sweet.

There is no prerequisite to love.

Establish healthy boundaries with those in your life (a secure fence around the property line).

Enjoy (as fully and as best as possible) those who are presently in your life.

Empower yourself (in all the ways you need).

Common Day Hero: Gentle strength, Truth-teller, diligent worker, Man of Faith, witty, so many words to describe you. Every moment Heaven grants with you is a gift. Fazal-Pa, I dedicate this post to you.

December 3, 2021

UNpleasant

For some of us, the holidays are not a pleasant season/experience. It’s a reminder of grief/s unresolved…and maybe some griefs, unexpected.

The holidays have me (and some others I know) remembering those who are no longer here. Some have transitioned from this earth and some are here, just no longer in our circle. Both seem deeply painful and at times, irreconcilable.

I don’t know of a formula for working through grief. sigh. From those who have shared their stories with me and my own experience, it seems a very personal and unique journey for each human. 

It’s easy to externally appear “well” because of pressure from family, work, friends, religious circles, our own inner critic. For some of us, it’s hiding in plain sight – with a bottle of pills or alcohol, with sugar, with anything that will have us feeling good momentarily.

This holiday season, I’m asking that we genuinely prioritize ourselves…that we take the time needed to grieve; to let ourselves feel and fully process.

This holiday season, as friends and family gather, if we need a moment, may we take the moment and walk away. If we need to decline some holiday party invites, may we do so. My heart is not that we isolate; my sincere hope is that we find a way to our healthiest rhythm.

If we need therapy, a support group, a book club, a dance class, yoga, pilates, an exercise buddy or group, a new hobby, a punching bag, a lifestyle change, more sleep, more water, an accountability partner… whatever it may be, may we move forward in it…now.

Happy Holidays ~ I understand it may not be “happy” but amidst it all, I wish us moments of sheer delight, laughter and happiness. I also wish us strength for this journey.

Proud of us for continuing to move forward.

I AM on the journey with (and for) you always, brave heart. 

Common Day Hero: You are such a loving and open heart to all around you. I see the strength of a thousand warriors within you. Shukriya for your kindness and hosting me even when you didn’t really know me. And always, thank you for the world’s best roti! Z-Ma, I dedicate this post to you.

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