On tax day, last week, I received the divorce decree.
I can’t even begin to describe the journey of accepting a situation I didn’t want.
Is a marriage of seventeen years really over now? I read the email and like an avalanche, every emotion seemed to come at once…disbelief. shock. overwhelming sadness. tears enough to overflow a bathtub. anger enough to pull all the feathers out of a down pillow. relief from the exhaustion of being in a tense environment for such a long time. inexplicable pain…every moment, precarious.
I heard someone say (many someoneS actually!) that people don’t discard what they want; they discard what they were using. Have you ever felt that – not just in romantic relationships…in friendships, with co-workers, with acquaintances, with family members (immediate, extended, in-laws)?
I am processing to the best of my ability. Quite the mountain/landfill. Pain and Peace coexist in this moment for me. Grief and Gratitude coexist. Fear and Faith coexist. Heaven and Hell coexist. I am experiencing it all…fully.
Pain – I can not believe the depth and intensity. It is heart-wrenching. Peace – I AM held by The Divine.
Grief – I said yes to forever…too many layers here. Gratitude – for painful Truth being revealed and manifested…for true/deep friendships.
Fear – what does this mean for me and my kids? Faith – We are alright, even in this. Secure in The Divine.
Hell – walking through it is overwhelming, frustrating, exhausting. Heaven – always by my side; the Warriors, my ancestors, that Great Cloud of Witnesses and true friends here beside me…with grace and love.
In this processing, came another realization: Loyalty shows up especially in the difficult.
If loyalty wasn’t present then we were used, in some way. That realization led me to sort through all that I personally need to own as well as everything that’s not on me.
We are only responsible for our own choices.
I continue to learn and grow and keep myself open to the opportunities that guide me to be my authentic/best self.
Dear one, I hold out grace for you to continue to be your authentic self as well. Regardless of the naysayers, Strength and Peace to you as you do the difficult work of consistently pursuing authenticity. Here, for and with you, always.
Common Day Hero: We have so much more in common than we originally thought! Praise Abba for bringing you into my life for all the moments (too many to name!). You remain a comforting Light in the midst of unexpected darkness. You are such a kind and beautiful soul. KerriH, I dedicate this post to you.