Is there any area in our lives where we’re allowing external influences to drive/push us? We feel the anxiety…chest constricting…can’t breathe and still we allow ourselves to be driven by the words of those around us…those we deem more powerful or somehow “worthy”.
We know it isn’t what we really want, but we squash our own hearts and keep running. That describes how I lived until I hit year forty/fo’ty on this planet. Almost six months in as a fo’ty year old, I knew I had to change course. I felt a strong need to reach out and quickly get help or I would drown. I don’t know that I can even begin to express it all – I just felt a deep need to be made well.
Yep, that’s another throwback to my Sunday School days. It’s the sixth verse of the fifth chapter of St. John in The Bible. Depending on the translation you read, the exact wording varies, but essentially Yesú asked a man something like this: Do you want to get well? Do you truly long to be healed? Do you want to be made well?
That day, I felt an inexplicable pull to choose something that showed potential in bringing wellness and healing to my soul. I reached out to a neighbor who had previously (and by previously I mean like a year prior!) mentioned benefitting from an experience-based/life enrichment/heart-level training. When I asked her about it, she said, oh I want my family to go first. I said ohhhh…k. Thought that was odd, but I didn’t let it stop me.
I remembered that an acquaintance had also mentioned this training (three years prior!). I reached out and she gladly gave me the website and all other info that I needed to register. I immediately registered for the next available class that worked best, based on my husband’s travel schedule. That class was in April two thousand seventeen. I had NO idea what it would be like. I just knew I was going to give it my best; my everything!
I WANTED to become well. I WANTED to be healed. I WANTED to be restoreD (not a typo!).
There were a total of five classes to complete to “graduate” from the program. I attended that first class with no clue what to expect. I remained full of curiosity and for the first day, mostly an observer. I couldn’t seem to grasp what was really taking place. I wasn’t sure what the expectations were and/or I wasn’t comfortable with them at certain points, but I continued attending. I was going to see this through…completely.
As that first class progressed, I knew I needed to attend the second class. I started seeing a little bit. If I can compare the experience to eyesight/vision (not sure it fits entirely, but it’s what I got right now!), in that first class, the eyes of my heart were completely shut.
I opened them wide in the second class and the Light stung so badly. I immediately closed my eyes, took a deep breath and willed myself to slowly open again…this time, I held my hand up to shade my eyes. Not too bad. I could see so much – the delightful, the painful, the ugly, the lies, the shame and finally…the Truth. Long sigh. Slowly, my eyes adjusted and began taking it all in and…processing.
Truth had been there all along. I just couldn’t see past all the yuck till that moment. What’s equally sad is that I hadn’t realized I couldn’t fully celebrate the good, fun moments because I hadn’t faced all the yuck.
I had buried my heart so deep without even realizing it. I had buried it for safe-keeping; whole-heartedly believing that it was unsafe to let my heart be seen at all. That realization was crushing. I was then challenged (via a list of activities) to stand in Truth and walk through the difficult moments.
I was encouraged to free my inner child. The little girl whom I had silenced by stuffing her mouth so full. Others had silenced her as well, but some of the reasons I told her were: I’m shutting you up because I need to keep you safe. I’m silencing you in hopes that you won’t repeatedly be hurt, mocked, blamed, molested, ignored, dismissed, accused, ridiculed, called names like fat, ugly, weird and “not holy enough”.
The core message I carried unknowingly, since childhood, was that I was not enough. I was (and would be) abandoned because I was “not enough”…the blame was on me, always…regardless.
Fill in the blank, I carried it – not good enough, not pious enough, not worthy enough, not kind enough, not brilliant/intelligent enough, not feminine enough, not pretty enough, not educated enough, not fashionable enough, not slender enough, not wealthy enough, not quiet enough, not light enough (I’m a joyful brown skinned girl!).
I was finally in a safe space in that training room, to face as much (or as little) as I wanted with honesty and love. For the first time that I can recall, there was no judgement at all. I heard The Divine whisper “reborn” and I felt it to my core…my vision was completely restoreD!
Considering my upbringing, the most surprising piece for me was that true deliverance, freedom, healing and restoration began for me in a NON-religious environment! In that very first class, I heard The Divine ask me: so, MUST the individuals in this room acknowledge Me or AM I who I AM regardless of acknowledgement?
All the tears came then…how much had I limited The Divine and the work of The Divine without even realizing it? I grew up being taught songs and verses that said The Divine is everywhere, but we lived in a way that showed The Divine only occupied the spaces that our religious elders deemed worthy!
I grew up being taught songs and verses that said The Divine speaks to all people, but we lived in a way that showed The Divine only spoke/guided/led those in our religious group!
I grew up learning songs and verses that prioritized the call of The Divine on individual hearts, but we lived in a way that the consensus of the leaders/wealthy/powerful in our religious group carried more weight!
We smiled, cheered and at times even screamed in victory in our religious gatherings as we “amen-ed” that The Divine alone created (and treats) us all as equals. We sang and quoted lyrics/verses echoing that sentiment, but cowered in anxiety and fear at the sight of humans who claimed to hold spots closer to The Divine…or those whom we’d simply elevated based on external merit.
What I know is that I began experiencing (then and now) life-altering healing and restoration because I stepped in fully to do the difficult/rewarding work. I continue to recognize patterns and find healthy ways to be a cycle breaker in my daily life.
I quit beating myself up emotionally, mentally and spiritually at the end of this training. I have never picked it up again. I was analytical beyond reason, but since engaging this training, I AM introspective, creative and reflective in healthy ways.
I am still a very flawed human, but from that day on, I began extending and experiencing grace radically. I began embracing Truth in my core and living fully from my heart.
I AM safe and joyful because Abba/Amma holds me…regardless. No matter the level of hell coming my way, I choose daily (somedays, moment by moment) to cling solely to Truth.
If you are ready to do the difficult and most rewarding heart work necessary to begin living fully from the heart, I recommend one of the three organizations listed below. I do not receive any commission or gifts/perks/benefits from these organizations. I’ve just seen and heard good things. Every org has its flaws since we’re all flawed humans, but I believe healing and transforming work is happening here:
https://www.pathwayscoretraining.org/ (the program I attended)
https://choicesseminars.com/ (a friend chose this program when I presented both Pathways and this org. AND this is the org that I hear started it all…the story I know is that a single mom wrote the initial “curriculum” and it grew and morphed into many other individuals and orgs birthing/benefitting from it…including Pathways).
https://lifeenrichmentbootcamp.com/pricing/ (a friend attended this one, long before I met her!)
The picture I chose for today’s post is full of meaning for me. Lotus is the meaning of the name Kamala (sounds like come-ala). It’s the name of my mother and the name I chose as my daughter’s middle name.
The roots of the lotus may be in the murkiest of waters, but it pushes its way upwards toward SunLight. As it grows, each petal opens one by one to receive in goodness, Light and Love. The lotus speaks determination, beauty, resilience and strength to me.
On this journey with many unexpected twists and turns, I wish you the resilience and beauty of the Lotus, fellow Warrior. I wish above ALL that your soul prospers. I wish courage for you to choose that which keeps you truly well. Regardless of what occurs around us, we can choose wellness, strength, health/life.
Do you want to be well?
Common Day Hero: Sara, you are fierce, funny, full of faith and which other f-word can I fit in here?! There has always been a connection and I’m glad it only continued to grow stronger through the years. I AM grateful to have a little bit of Norma still here. She is beaming at you from the other side and somehow, at the same time, still carrying you here on earth. I dedicate this post to you, my beautiful French vanilla cousin, Sara Jean.