long sigh…just hearing the word brought so much fear when I was younger.
My parents were married for over twenty years, separated for a few and then divorced. Although they were married for two decades, my dad was only home four to five months every year.
He had committed to buying and starting English schools in various parts of India, so most of his time was spent there. Some of my school years were in India, but my mom, sister and I were together, in America, more than not.
I was raised to believe that marriage ranked an individual “higher” and “holier” than one who was divorced. Quite often religious leaders around me quoted a piece from The Bible saying, “God hates divorce.” It seemed the divorced people were also hated by the “holier” crowd.
I believe divorce isn’t ever the goal of a couple when choosing to spend their lives together. Shit happens!
For some, divorce is easily explained away…meaning society approves. Infidelity and domestic violence (physical) are the two reasons I’ve heard the most within our circle and community at large. I can’t recall ever hearing of a divorce because of verbal abuse which is also domestic violence.
For some, divorce isn’t “approved” by society so, the trauma of divorce is only intensified by the lack of empathy and support from family and friends. For some, “image” is so important that they choose to remain married on paper and “avoid” cultural/societal shame. For some, it’s financially beneficial to remain married, but live completely separate lives, under one roof.
In my earlier years, my upbringing had me believing that being divorced was equivalent to being marked unclean, subpar, unwelcome and failure. Through the years, I’ve come to see divorce as life experience…strength gained…lessons learned.
I know divorce can be painful and bittersweet. When my parents divorced, it felt like all the letters were jumbled and although I’m fairly decent at Scrabble and now Bananagrams, I couldn’t make any real words. I kept my hand tightly closed around the letters. I spread them out on the table (ok, threw them). I made up my own words. I jumbled the letters up again. It hurt like crazy and at the same time I was relieved.
I’ve been up-close when friends have walked through the difficult decision of divorce, for a plethora of reasons. Some intentionally caused excruciating pain to each other. Some unintentionally hurt one another and just couldn’t find a way to work through all the negatives. Others parted as amicably as possible after repeatedly hitting the same proverbial wall.
I’ve felt the pain of losing friendships because I couldn’t choose “sides”…wouldn’t choose one spouse over the other. From as early as I can remember, I could see both sides. I believe after becoming a mother, I began empathizing and sitting with both sides (as much as possible).
Dear heart, only you can decide what you want to live with, you define the level of comfort and safety that is best for you! Despite the fear, move forward as you are led. Call a licensed therapist, lawyer, true friend or all three.
We are in this together…always. We are inextricably connected by the Divine. Courage, stamina and grace to you!
Common Day Hero: You are feisty, fierce, full of energy and faith. You are diligent, determined and have the best arms. Literally! Emily, my Irish Cream friend, I dedicate this post to you.
