This month, specifically this weekend, marks year seventeen of my husband choosing a life for himself…a life of trust and adventure! Thought I’d share that story today (Niji approves this message!).
At thirteen, I met a scrawny little curry boy with a big smile and great laugh. His name was Niji Stanley. His family had moved to Texas from India. The year was nineteen eighty-nine.
At eighteen, we started attending the same community college and became the best of friends. We dated other people and I never thought of Niji as more than a friend. He was kind and funny and we could talk for hours…I enjoy story telling and he enjoys hearing them! The year was nineteen ninety-four.
At twenty-three, he told me not to tell others that I had been molested (repeatedly by various males). He said if others knew then they wouldn’t want me to join their family. He knew how society blames females for events even when those events are not within their control. I responded with, “If I choose to marry, then the man I marry will know everything about me and love me as I AM.” The year was nineteen ninety-nine!
At twenty-six, he shocked the entire community.
He quit nursing school (never wanted to be a nurse, but was trying to appease his family). He had demoted himself to attend nursing school and couldn’t return to his former job, so was left making eight dollars an hour. The year was two-thousand three!
In March of two-thousand three, he said that he had been seeing me in his dreams every night.
After two weeks of the same dream, he asked if he could come to church with me. After service, he said, “Have you thought of us becoming more than friends?” I didn’t say a word; I reached for my purse, pulled out my old school planner and showed him what I had journaled six months prior!
Six months prior, I had a dream…that we would be together! He was so shocked and asked why I hadn’t said anything all that time. I told him that I felt he would come to me; he said, but what if I didn’t? I told him I had committed to waiting because he who finds a wife finds his good thAng (paraphrase of verse twenty-two of chapter eighteen of the Book of Proverbs, the Bible).
To all the women who approached or asked or made the first move in a relationship, please know that I’m just sharing my heart (not saying this is “the” way because life is not formulaic). We are free to move as we are led by the Divine.
Four days later, we went to the mall, exchanged a ring, came back to the car and he said, “Will you marry me?” as he handed me the ring! We cried and talked about how he would share this with his parents.
His parents, church, extended family and friends didn’t consider me a worthy candidate for Niji. I believe it was because of what they viewed as “negatives” – my parents divorced, my sister has autism and severe developmental delays, I’d been molested repeatedly, my family was in a lower income bracket, I had two boyfriends (at separate times!) prior to my relationship with Niji (and was open about it, God forbid!), I hadn’t yet completed my Bachelors and who knows what else was on the list.
Friends and family told him that he was making a terrible mistake.
Our curry culture has a saying that basically translates, although we can not physically see God, parents are the God that we can see! Many friends did not stand with him because they believed honoring parents equalled obeying.
Niji and I weathered the storms as gracefully as we could (read we had no idea how to navigate all this. We cried, prayed, cursed and ate too many ladoos!).
We received unpleasant phone calls, angry/hurtful words, threats to “ruin” the wedding day. During all of that, Niji went to his parents’ house weekly; mowed their lawn, drove his mom to Doctor’s appointments, helped with anything they needed. He heard more unkind words, but kept his decision to marry me.
At twenty-seven, on a beautiful autumn morning, we were married. Niji’s family of origin chose not to attend. That was painful.
Sixty people gathered and celebrated with us that day. My vanilla mom (Jada) baked a fourteen inch groom’s cake. She bought and wore a lehenga (Indian outfit) for the wedding. She said she wanted to honor my culture. She asked if they could sit on the groom’s side since his parents weren’t attending. She did all of this without being asked. She brought much joy in the midst of heartache.
College, career, romantic relationships, marriage, kids, apartment or house, rent or buy, one-story or two, location of dwelling place, etc…whatever the topic, I shared this bit of our story with you to convey the importance of your heart.
My hope is that you, dear one, are encouraged to prioritize the Voice of the Divine.
The Whisper in our hearts that can only be heard when we choose to be still. Many voices roar all around us, but may we forever hear and follow the Whisper of the Divine.
Common Day Hero: My funny, stubborn, risk-averse husband..through the years, my love for you has changed…it has grown and continues to grow every year. Niji, I dedicate this post to you.
