Ugghh…that dreadful disease. Sadly, I don’t have family medical records from generations past. What I know is that my paternal and maternal grandparents had diabetes. My grandparents had siblings who were doctors and nurses, so lack of information wasn’t an issue. Applying that information…sigh.
Both of my parents have diabetes and I didn’t know till last year (!) that my mother’s first round with this disease may have started when she became pregnant with my sister, (gestational). I don’t know if she had it earlier than that because she didn’t visit the doctor regularly, before marriage.
I don’t recall my parents discussing their personal health with me. I remember that my father wanted us to make healthy food choices. Mom may have wanted it too, but fried pies and donuts and pre-packaged snacks were quite often the way she displayed her love. I remember Dad drinking barley juice and wheat grass in the early eighties and making me drink it as well (yuck)!
Early in childhood, I linked unhealthy food to good behavior. It’s what I was rewarded with at school, Sunday School and home. Growing up, Sundays meant donuts and plenty of candy. I excelled in school and was rewarded with pizza, chips and again plenty of candy.
And the seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) began…I would eat unhealthy foods (high carbs and sugar) as often as I could and then mentally beat myself up for not making better choices.
I am such a direct, straight-forward, no bull shit kind of person, to myself as well, but not so when the topic is my health or healthy food choices. I don’t fully know why that “direct self” didn’t translate to my health, but it may be because food was my “safe” place. That meant, no rules.
In my thirties, when I was first asked to return for a glucose test, I ran. Then, I became an ostrich and buried my head in the sand. I did exactly what I would tell anyone else not to do. I hid.
The hiding only increased my sugar consumption. Every birthday, graduation, wedding or other celebratory event we attended meant that I would have as much sugar as I wanted and go undetected. A sugar addict with diabetes, but no one knew. I spoke openly about my sugar addiction, but never about diabetes.
Just seeing or hearing the word feels like a death sentence. A well-intentioned friend (who didn’t know that I had been diagnosed with diabetes) once said to me that if someone in their twenties or thirties gets Type II diabetes, it’s their own stupidity and fault.
After she left, I cried terribly and beat myself up mentally and emotionally with a ton of negative talk…the lies I accepted in childhood and clung to for so long…”you’re stupid”, “what’s wrong with you that you can’t handle this small thing?”, “you don’t deserve good health” and I may have had cake that night too! So, the seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) continued.
A few years later, I finally went to a new doctor and was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. I began taking the pills. Still, I told no one. I felt so much shame and guilt. I felt like a failure. I felt so alone. I was too afraid to share any of it. So…the seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) continued.
Knowledge doesn’t equal transformation.
When I spoke of my sugar addiction, others would say just don’t keep sugar and high carb snacks in your pantry. Well, I enjoy driving, so that didn’t stop me. If we didn’t have it, I’d just go through a drive-through or grocery store. So, the seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) continued…
Imagine falling into a long, dark well. The rush of excitement, adventure and all that adrenaline is suddenly gone because it’s a confined, narrow space. I’m not usually claustrophobic, but the fall had me rethinking that. Once I hit the water, it’s as if a current quickly pulled me under and I was trapped in a cyclone…spinning and spinning while my head hurt beyond description. That is what sugar highs and negative talk felt like, to me.
And I was an expert at mentally beating myself up because I had been doing this since I was ten (if not earlier). A positive is that I am now speaking gently and kindly to myself. In fact, it’s been three years (this month) since I quit negative self talk! And that seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) is broken!
If it comes up, I immediately catch it, hold it up to the Light and see if it’s something that has any validity…if it has validity, what’s behind it (all is not as it appears) so I begin digging (asking questions) till I find the root. Then I begin uprooting (stating Truth). It’s a process. It takes consistent practice. And that seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) is broken!
If it has no validity, it is placed in a pile to be thrown out with the trash. Sometimes, it helps to write it out and tear it up into very small pieces (it symbolizes to me that those words have no power). Some days, I just shake my head and say, not today! Other days, I say, that ain’t fa me or that’s not me.
I AM learning to continue practicing positive affirmations, apply the comfort and hope of the verses I memorized as a child and breathe in all the good.
I AM choosing healthy snacks like apples, walnuts, cheese, bell peppers and hummus more (but there are days nothing will suffice like a handful of chocolate covered almonds or a slice of cake!). Rather than beat myself up about it, I focus on taking an appropriate portion and taking my time to enjoy the sweets. And the seemingly endless spiral downwards (like spin cycle on a washer) is broken!
I AM drinking more water (not at the goal yet, but closer and more consistent than I’ve ever been!).
How about you? Is there anything that has/is keeping you from moving forward in life? It may not be health related. Maybe it’s a friendship that isn’t really true, a romantic relationship that isn’t equal/kind/genuine, maybe something school or work related or something entirely different…whatever/whomever it is, has negative self-talk kept the spin cycle on full blast and repeat?
If so, what’s one positive statement, verse, quote, lyric that we can embrace today? Write it out on a note card, the mirror or make it a screen saver on all the electronic devices. Begin and/or end the day reading this Truth out loud…and as often as needed throughout the day.
I must say again that therapy, individual counseling, life coaching and a safe community may all be things to consider on our journey. As we choose health – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, watch change take root…in our hearts, in our health and in our homes!
Here for and with you on this journey!
Common Day Hero: I have seen you embrace the good. You continue to welcome all into your world. You listen well. You are refreshing. Shawn W.L., my friend and kindred spirit, I dedicate this post to you.
