Men…Mental…Menstrual cycle/Menses…Menopause
Notice the root word fa all our troubles…men! Kidding, I ain’t here to talk about men! Since the month of May is all about Mothers (ok, we only get a day, not a month!), thought I’d share my personal journey to motherhood.
Some girls grow up dreaming about becoming mothers. Some girls grow up dreaming about holding, rocking and caring for babies. Some girls grow up dreaming about the day they will make home-cooked meals for their family. All good things, but that just wasn’t me.
Growing up, I helped care for my older sister (who has autism and severe developmental delays). When I was ten, our family adopted a three-day old baby boy. My father was the first person to show me that all are welcome and that we are all part of a greater family.
At fifteen, I met a wonderful French Vanilla and Sauerkraut (read Caucasian/European American) family. At seventeen, they welcomed me into their home (full story another day!). They had three young children then, ages ten, six and three. The children were told, this is your new sister!
I love my two peach brothers, but I simply adored my spunky, silly and delightful sister. I took her everywhere I could. I remember getting some interesting stares and glares, at times, when just she and I roamed the town! It is this little girl with skin the color of cream and hair almost as brown as my skin, who confirmed my dream of adopting. I say confirmed because when my family of origin welcomed our beautiful little boy, the dream of adopting began.
Fast forward almost ten years, that little cream colored girl became a teenager and was a bridesmaid at my wedding! Niji knew that adoption ranked high on my list. Even if I gave birth, I wanted to adopt, but this was new territory for him. To his knowledge, no one in his family (including extended family) had adopted.
There was fear about whether the kids would want or love us. Fear about acceptance from family. Over time, Niji’s heart began opening to the idea of adoption. And when he felt sure about it, ALL hell seemed to come at me…fear that I wouldn’t be a good mother…doubt that I could ever be what the children needed…anxiety that Niji and I would repeat negative patterns from our families. Sigh. LONG sigh.
At the time, I didn’t know how to process all that was coming my way, but Niji was suddenly confident and excited about moving forward. We decided to adopt from Texas. Despite my fear, we began the classes required by the State and around ten months later, two kind and brave children moved into our home.
The people around us said we were good folks to rescue and help those in need. I must say my kids have also rescued me. Niji and I have made (and continue to make) quite a few mistakes (thus, the therapy fund!), but we do not hide from our mistakes. I made a commitment to apologize every.single.time I mess up.
Although I didn’t grow up dreaming about becoming a mother, I now know that motherhood is what I never knew I always needed. Life with kids led me to seek out help on healing childhood trauma, reclaiming my life and being the Mother I never dreamed I could be. My kids continue to help bring up what I need to face, acknowledge, work on and improve.
Dear Mothers,
I cry in front of my children. I explain why I’m sad (at their level…as much as I can). I take deep breaths with them. I name my grief with them (no matter how small it seems).
I answer the tough, uncomfortable and interesting questions. If something is too big for them to understand or process, I tell them that as they get older, I will explain more.
I pray for them always. As they get older, I pray with them (if they want).
In the car, I let them choose the music (most times!).
I didn’t grow up with choices, so I remind myself to give them choices because I want them to know that they are powerful people. None of us is powerless unless we choose to be.
I say all of this in hopes that you, dear mothers, will move forward with what is on your heart for your family. You are good. You are the best mother for your children because you were chosen by the Divine! You can seek help for any area you need. You are brave because you show up for the good, the not-so-great, the difficult…all of it.
I AM confident, free and living fully from my heart because of two answered prayers. A boy and a girl who were divinely orchestrated to be…mine!
Common Day Heroes: My cute, shy, curry brother, I am so grateful to have the privilege of being your older sister/Chechi. I love you. Push past every obstacle and pursue your gifts, talents and dreams. My spunky, silly and delightful sister, I love you. Dive fully into the dream within so the world can see that amazing spark and Light I’ve always seen. I dedicate this post to you, Lee Daniel and Mikayla Rachelle.
